Pure Relief

My piano exam is over. Finished. It happened.

I can still scarcely believe it. Two years ago, when I first had the thought, "Hey, I'm going to take this exam," I don't really think I had much of an idea how hard it was really going to be. The past two summers have been entirely sacrificed to that goal. I think all my friends just thought I was a really boring recluse, but boy, was I ever working hard.

This past summer was the climax of it all, of course. After I got back from Ukraine at the very end of May, the next three months were one big ramp-up to the exam date for me, work-wise, and also most notably, psychologically. I've never been one to handle performance nerves well. And I'd never had to perform a program close to that size before. So when the days between myself and my exam started getting in the 30 range, and then the 20 range, my focus closed in, yes, but I also went into something kind of like long-term panic mode, and didn't realize it until it was over.

I sat on the couch the afternoon after my exam, trying to absorb the fact that this event I'd been unable to see past for so long had already taken place. It was a pretty incredible feeling. The world felt like it had suddenly returned to colour again, and I hadn't even realized how it had slowly grown increasingly gray as I pushed myself in my preparations. I felt like myself again. My mind was finally my own again - no longer forced to constantly battle fugues and fears and fingering patterns. It was like the past month of stress and fatigue and tears had never even happened at all, and it was just an ordinary August day...

Lessons learned? First off, I know I ramp up way too much about performances. But, see, that is a big reason I'd never want to become a concert performer for a career. No way. But performances are often necessary, even if they aren't your career, and nerves only get in the way of performances. Yet again, as I've discovered retrospectively so many times in my life, I just need to calm down about things, and take life a little less seriously. The potential worst-case scenario is never as bad as you thought it might have been, once you identify it. Then you realize life will go on, no matter how bad things turn out. For myself, I need to start realizing that before the fact, instead of after.